Word of Advice

Just in case you have one of those big bouncy ball things that you can use for exercising, and if by chance, in the several years since you got it, it has deflated a bit, and if you have been neglecting to inflate it for fear that if your kids see you playing with it, then they will want to play with it, then it may get destroyed or something, and if you decided to risk inflating it anyway, because you know that you can do better crunches on it than on the floor with some bed pillow supporting your back, and that stupid pillow still makes your tailbone hurt like crazy worse than your abs, and if you go ahead and inflate it, and it looks so good sitting there all big and bouncy, and if you should decide to go ahead and sit on it, because what would that hurt, even though you haven’t hardly exercised in weeks, except for aforementioned crunches on the floor, and then if sitting on it feels so fun, that if you maybe decide to go ahead and do just a few crunches, you don’t want to go nuts after all, you hardly have any abdominal muscles anyway after 3 kids and not doing hardly anything, wait, that’s already been discussed, but if you go ahead and do a few crunches, like 20, and they seem so easy and fun, you think, I can do 30, probably even 50, then I should stop, because of previously mentioned lack thereof, and if, after those 50, you feel a bit guilty about your oblique’s, those side abdominal muscles, so you go ahead and try to do 20 of those, and if after those 20, you have the same little discussion with yourself about the 30 and the 50, forgetting completely that whatever you do on that side must be repeated on the other side, you don’t want to walk around lopsided, and if you do decide to go ahead full steam ahead and do those 50 side ones, and then if you decide to stretch out a bit after all that, and ponder whether or not to do those other 50, and then decide that you don’t want to go around lopsided, and if you do those other 50, and if you get tired at about the 30 mark, and when you talk yourself into the last 20 by saying that you can stop after this, then if you completely lose your mind and say to yourself that those first 50 weren’t so hard after all, maybe you can go ahead and do 50 more of the regular ones, and then after about 15 they get real hard, and then after 20 they’re even harder, but you talk yourself through them, saying that this is payment for eating that little bowl of peanut butter chips straight from the freezer that afternoon that were supposed to not even be opened until it was time to melt them to use for that pretzel rod thing, and then finally thank God, you reach the end, the 4th #50, and you almost cry with relief and lay down backwards on that ball to give your poor little tummy a good stretch so you won’t be sore in the morning, because good grief, lady, you haven’t done that many crunches since like 2003, maybe, and what were you thinking, and if you do all that, here’s the advice.  Stop.  Stop at the first 50.  Because I won’t mention any names here, but there’s a person in this house right now who did this yesterday, and her abs haven’t been this sore since about 3 days less than 4 years ago.  If you’re counting, that’s when son #3 was born.  I just have 2 things to say.  1.  Does ben-gay work on abs that are covered protected by several a small layer of fat? and 2.  I’m going to the freezer for a handful of peanut butter chips.  And a diet Dr. Pepper.


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December 2007
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