Ever go there?

Ever get to that place where, no matter how many good things there are, you can’t keep thinking about them? That place where all you can think about is the things that are wrong in your life? That place where no matter what other people tell you, whether it be good news or bad, you just almost don’t hear it, because those wrong things in your own life are just screaming at you? I’m having trouble getting out.

I know, there are other people in way worse situations than I am, and there are starving children in the world, and there are people who would trade their arm to be in my shoes. But right now, all I can think about is that this sucks.

We never did find a babysitter for Saturday, so even though I did finish both the socks and the alpaca shawl, I didn’t get to wear them anywhere. Hubby spent the entire day in front of the tv with the laptop on his lap watching I don’t even know what. I took the kids somewhere and had fun until David threw a fit when he realized that we didn’t pack forks for our salads. Nevermind that we had other things to eat.

I don’t even know when or where I’m going to get the chance to wear them. That’s what sucks. Hubby is so involved with a jillion things right now, actually, that’s like usual. Seems like there’s always something he “has” to do. The closest thing I get to do to dressing up is for church, and frankly, without going into a ton of details, that’s not someplace I feel right being right now. I recently found out that hubby had been sharing things at his men’s group that I feel mortified about, and now whenever I go there, I’m constantly on edge, wondering if whoever I’m looking at “knows”.

Our babysitter list has apparently dried up. Hubby had a list, can’t find it, or lost it, or it has dwindled down to 2 or 3 people, one of whom won’t be babysitting at all this entire summer.

I miss my mom. Is it weird that the main reason I watch our wedding video is to see her and hear her voice? She used to be in a gospel group, and they recorded 2 tapes. Remember cassettes? I have them both, and they’re in my car. I should probably get them recorded onto a cd or something before they degrade. I wish I could show her that I can knit now. And that I made goulash for the boys for supper.

I’m also trying to lose weight. It’s not going well. I’m hungry almost all the time, and all I can think about is all the things I can’t eat right now. I’m trying to change my attitude towards food, not using it as a reward, comfort and all that. That’s not working either.

That’s all for now. Hubby’s on another conference call, and I have to get the boys tucked in. I’ll post the pattern for those twisted rib socks later this week if anyone’s interested.


4 Responses to “Ever go there?”

  1. 1 KnittingGnome June 9, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    Awww…hang in there, honey. It sucks when you feel like you have to do “it all”. It also is not great that your DH was sharing personal things about you without your consent. It also sucks that you don’t get to wear those fancy things and can’t get a babysitter. Missing your mom is rough, too. You have a lot going on. I am sorry. You don’t have to feel guilty about feeling bad about things. Big hugs (e-hugs are as good as I can do, hope they help)!!

  2. 2 dale-harriet in wi June 11, 2008 at 10:29 am

    My dear – first, Gnome’s right, don’t feel bad about feeling bad. I know, “talk’s cheap” but it’s one of the things that keeps us women going. Feeling. Sure, there ARE always people who have it worse, but that doesn’t sweeten our own lot when they’re in the dumpster. I remember my mother saying “Don’t cry for the man who has no shoes, cry for the man who has no feet.” I was seven at the time, and I said “But if he has no feet, he doesn’t need shoes.” That’s how my childhood went. I can also tell you that you have the most difficult (and most rewarding) job in the world, and anyone who thinks the day-to-day stuff of child-rearing is easy sure as heck hasn’t done it. The separate elements of meals, baths, tempers, questions, entertainments &c is MAJOR. I don’t know as it’s a help – but THANK YOU, for preparing some citizens for the 21st century. And I remember having my heart set on going somewhere and not being able to because there was no sitter. It’s nothing short of dismal. Hearing about it makes me want to come visit for a week so you CAN go out…but “if wishes were horses beggars would ride”. (Whatever the heck that means; my mom was full of ’em.) I prescribe taking one hour – more, if you want to and can – and spend it on YOU, after the kiddies are a-bed. Put on something you’re comfy in, put on something that smells good (in my case, barbecue sauce works) and listen to music you like, and read something with more than four words and a picture on each page! (Truly – have you read any of the books by Sandra Dallas? I find them very soothing and pleasant, and they’re interesting stories – they are NOT “self-y help-y” books, which bum me out majorly. Hope this helps SOME, and I’m sending e-hugs too……..along with a round of applause for your mommying! (Being a young wife isn’t quite the way it looks on teevee either, I bet you’d agree!)

  3. 3 Janet June 12, 2008 at 5:28 am

    Thanks for sharing the inside story. I often balk at getting real on my blog because, well, it’s hard to do. I have many of the same issues and have had for many, many, many years. The hardest part is that my neighbors “look” like they have the greatest everything. Well, all I can say is, life is what you make it. So go make it great ’cause your great.

  4. 4 Robin June 16, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Hang in there. I know it is hard when husbands talk about things but try to remember that these are people that are praying for you and your husband. I hope that these men are the kind that just want to “be there” and are non judgemental. I have days when I am sick and tired of being the one that seems to have to get it all done. Take time for yourself. I am really trying to do this for myself too.

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